Okay so here is an update on my walk with God (for those of you who read and care about a normal persons journey with God).
A lot has happened since my last post with my walk with God and of course that affects everything around you either good or bad. Life is a roller coaster for sure. Since early spring I have been going to counseling sessions. Found out within my first session that my counselor is a Christian. So everyone of my sessions has been about my walk with God first then about me second. Which I know is the best thing. I have had a few good weeks of it thought things were going good. Then one week about 3 to 4 weeks ago I hit a road block. Instead of doing good I found myself going back to where I was before I was going to my sessions. So that got me down and discourage and I just pretty much stopped trying or caring. Before then I had been faithful and writing in my prayer journals. Since that week I think I have wrote maybe just a total of 3 times. Not good. I thought it took up to much time and seemed well stupid. I'm in counseling writing in a prayer journal and a personal journal daily, blah blah blah. Well guess what, it's what I needed and still need. I have a HUGE tendency to get inside my head and just go bonkers. On everything from small things to huge things i think of what I want or would like then I start thinking and before I know I will of talked myself out of doing anything within thirty minutes in the meantime just driving myself up a wall. So multiple this by oh say 100 plus days. SO yeah i'm surprised I have hair left in my head to pull up into my tight ponytail it seems to stay in. So this past Monday, finished the last of my EAP sessions, a benefit I have from work, and guess what that opened up a whole another can of questions, and in my face are those decisions that still were there and needed to be made. Like usual I talked myself out of things. Until Wednesday. That's when things started to change and happen. Tuesday night I was looking through local ads and accidentally did something I hadn't planned on (nothing bad or illegal just a silly mistake I didn't realize had happened). So when I got up Wednesday morning and realized it had happened I was mortified. There was that decisions, that needed to be made again this time it was right in my face. So I ignored it again. Until about oh 10 minutes before I had to go do something and it all just came to a screeching halt. I sat down to explain my decision and it all come flooding out like a volcano and I just couldn't stop. By the end of the day my decision had been made and it was like I was just a spectator not actually the one doing it. It was a decision that anyone who knows me knows I would never of made, ever. But I felt relieved about it. Why I still have no clue. I am one for stability big time. I have to have it. So for me it's FREAKOUT TIME... I was doing good until tonight. Then all of a sudden I went oh crap what have I done. Called my mom and vented and got angry and seconded guessed myself like crazy. So I decided to open up my daily devotional book and read what is listed for today:
Thank me for the very things that are troubling you, You are on the brink of rebellion, precariously close to shaking your fist in my face. You are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining about my treatment of you. But once you step over that line, torrents of rage and self-pity can sweep you away. the best protection against this indulgence is thanksgiving. It is impossible to thank me and curse me at the same time.
Thanking me for trials will feel awkward and contrived at first. But if you persist, your thankful words, prayed in faith, will eventually make a difference in your heart. thankfulness awakens you to my presence, which overshadows all our problems.
Psalm 116:17 and Philippians 4:4-6.
Well crud here I am shaking both fist in his face. But the second I started reading this I wasn't angry at all. My mom can contest to how upset I was but it was gone instantly upon reading this because I knew. So I decided to be a good student and write in my prayer journal as well. Then this hit home for me in his response to me.
Thank me even when your angry, you must thank me. You need to remember this daily. For my plan has its ups and downs. Its my way of doing things. If trusting me were easy everyone would do it. You are worth my time and my blood, be willing to be faithful even in the bleak times. For I now what I am doing. The whole picture my daughter the whole picture. Thank me even now.
Needless to say tonight I got put in my place.
But the funnest part of the week so far since Wednesday was yesterday. I had talked with a friend of mine about a couple of possibilities for me to do somethings. Didn't really take it serious when we were talking but did seriously think it could be something to look into. You know just look into like it would take a couple of weeks and I would talk myself out of it. NOPE. Yesterday the ideas I had thought I would just see about came knocking on my door. Now here I was faced with this opportunity I had hoped to talk myself out of with due time. Guess what I didn't have to time to talk myself out of it and now I'm doing something new something that if it works out could be a really good deal for me. All because I didn't think I just responded and did what I was told by the big guy up stairs.
This week has really shown me just how little I really am in control of anything. Well pretty much nothing. Yes I can make my own choices and decisions but if they are not the right ones then months later I just end right back int he same miserable spot with God thumbing me on the head going don't you get it wake up Rachel.
Well I'm awake now God. Thanks. :)
