Dear God true creator, redeemer and merciful Lord I ask you
pour my heart inside out and open my eyes to you Lord. You are truly an almighty and powerful
God.
It has been a LONG while since I have blogged. I just have fallen on that account and
honestly haven’t felt like I wanted to take the time to blog about God or my
relationships lately. This is my way of getting you out to the world and I
haven’t done it lately just because I’m human and did not wish to be bothered to
do it and take away from all the “worldly things” I do instead. For that Father, I lift this up to you and
ask for forgiveness. I should never put things of this world before you.
Without you I am nothing, I have nothing.
Not even the pebble of sand I step on to the air in the sky I breathe to
the food I eat. Without you it would all
fade and be gone. When I think in that context it is so awe inspiring. Why does it take me so long and honestly having
to fall so low to get to that point? I
do not like that.Lately I have strayed from him. Even on the smallest scale and I got hit
today with the realization of how “sinful” that is. I always heard it in my head but never truly
heard it in my heart.
I joined a group of ladies from my church for a women’s
retreat. WOW… This is my second women’s
retreat. So far just looking back at
both times WOW is pretty much what I can say. The first retreat God used to open my eyes to
just the lacking of where our relationship was with each other. I was able to
use that retreat and those lessons to start on the path God needed me to be so
I could come to this retreat and this very moment in my life when I finally can
say I get it. Not just with my head but truly in my heart I hear it now. It took me a year, a long rather emotional
and raw year. I still have a long ways
to go I know that but WOW…I have not heard anything different from this retreat that I
have not already been told before. It sure has made me realize it now and just
the fact I do understand what everyone has been saying over the past year and
truly grasp that is just such an awesome feeling.The moment it hit me and I was like OH… One of our breakout
sessions was about tools for worship. The speaker had an app called GLO Bible.
It pretty much could show us what the tabernacle would have looked like. The moment she clicked zoom and sent the app
to show the inside of the tabernacle with the holy of hollies and the veil I
just sunk in my chair. The fact at that
moment I went WOW… This is how powerful and amazing God is. I felt as If I was standing right there in
the tabernacle looking at the veil in person. I shook me, to the core shook me
I had chill bumps.This retreat has opened up so many more depths in me. I normally have to allow myself to become raw
to be able to hear what God wishes for me. Which I will fight against pretty
much all the time. I want to put walls up and control what I think God should
show me. I usually fight against him
working in me and I get defeated which is usually in the form of tears, lots
and lots of tears. He loves to kick me out of the door of my comfort zone. I look like a punching bag this weekend. I get
this extremely intense swelling in my chest and this build up and then the
tears start. When that happens I know I’m putting up my walls and not allowing
God to work in me. I have fought each
time for a few minutes like I always do but after that break out session I went
to our nightly praise and worship and man put it out there. I was raw as I have ever been and in front of
the group of ladies I was with. I don’t
ask for much spiritually in front of people, just a few close net ladies. I put it out there I just had to. Boy. I
felt as if the Lord was pouring my heart inside out tonight. This is exactly what I needed.Each message I heard really has sunk in and it is nothing
new, but I have heard it in my heart and I am in true amazement. I know I am on the retreat high like I always
get but this time it is fulfilling. I am
not longing for something because I know it’s missing, I’m longing for more, I’m
craving for it because I’ve seen what I was missing and I have a hunger for it
now.
Lord, powerful and mighty Lord, pour my heart inside out and
make me raw. I want to crave you, I want
to breathe you in. I want to be raw and
opened so I can see what you have laid out for me. I know the direction you
have me on will lead me somewhere. I ask you show me if I am not on that path
right now then where I need to be. Lord
pour my heart inside out. I just want to keep repeating that. I have heard ladies speak of when you get a fulfillment
of the Lord you crave it you want more.
I never truly understood that, I thought I did but I understood with my
mind and not my heart. For God to truly use me I must connect the two. I must
not only understand with my mind but truly believe and feel it in my heart.There is so much going on today in the world and of course
as always in my life. I am human and live a human life so I will always have
issues and road blocks. But I know God
is the only one that can ever fix any problem. Even though I “knew” that with
my mind, now I feel it in my heart. I am fulfilled at this very moment. What a joy it is. I mean it is like a drug. I
want more and more and more of it.Today every place I have been from conversation in the room with
room ladies to break out sessions to praise and worship, I have been exactly where
God has wanted me to be.
This retreat did touch a lot on Women’s roles and in terms
of the marriages and husbands. Which I’ve heard before but I was not ready to
truly grasp. BUT, this time. Man. WOW…..
For example, the Bible says a women is to submit to her husband. I have always
been defensive to this statement and verse. Every time I heard this I would go
into shutdown mode and be like NO WAY. That is because I never truly understood
it and was too afraid to ask any one because I was afraid I would look
stupid. One lady put it this way to me
tonight and I truly got it…She explained that submission can also be to submit
yourself low enough so that God can reach your husband. That as women we try to
fix our husbands ourselves and the only one who can is God. So that we need to
submit ourselves low enough (get out of God’s way) so he can reach our husbands.
My wish is that if there are those of you out there that
have questions about God or the Bible that you find someone and ask. Don’t be like me and be too afraid to ask
because of fear of looking stupid. No
question about God is stupid or wrong if it comes from your heart and you
desire to seek him. Someday God will
return and that doorway to get to know him and have a relationship with him
will close. I would hate to see anyone out there miss out on the chance of not
having eternal life with God just because they were too afraid to ask about
him.
I don’t mean to sound preacher or as if I know it all,
because I SO do not. I am still learning
and will keep learning long after I leave this earth. God’s love and power is infinite and that
will take eternity to try to understand him. So in the meantime I’m enjoying
the journey.
I hope you all have a wonderful and blessed weekend and
remember it’s as simple as God loves you. Regardless he loves you.
Can you love him back?
