Got up and decided that the kids and I should actually go to church for the first time in a very long time.. Meet up with my brother and his group for what turned out to be a relatively good church service..Granted I'm not against church just have not been other than the occasional visit to the parental's church.. I am one that if I can convince myself of a relatively reasonable excuse I will end up talking myself out of everything, including church.. Considering I have two awesome kids who I love more than life itself I figured I better actually start showing them what mommy tells them.. Sending them to Christian school alone doesn't make it all work out.. So here we go trying to get back into a church..See how this works out..I am a believer in God, in my own way, have a big issue with the whole letting go of the control.. Defiantly in prayer..My mom is my own best prayer worrier with a whole army of prayer worriers at her finger tips.. I don't think there is hardly a day that goes by I don't talk or in this day of age text with her, which that in itself is very weird, but she is one of the most awesome women I know..

The scripture was over 1 Thessalonians, Chapter 1.. About how the Thessalonian people stood up for their belief and faith in the Lord against all odds (or what I retained from the pastor in between football analogies and topics).. During the sermon the thoughts going through my head were yes I know God loves me, and my kids. But sadly utter fear also rang out.  As the pastor was talking about if we were prepared for the rapture all I could think was my kids.. What would happen to my kids..Total mommy mode for me..But then I remember also thinking back that God wants us all to believe as kids do pure innocent and completely.. So then I realized my kids are probably way better off than I am today.. If that alone doesn't help kick start my rear end back into this, then I'm in pretty sad shape.. Feeling as if a spotlight had been lit on me the whole sermon and everyone around was staring right at me and saying "yep she is so lost".. I have always said I believed that everything happens for a reason and my reasonable brain knows that I can do all I want but no matter how I try to fight things are just way beyond my understanding..

Where I stand today, am I 100% proud of all that has happened?  NOPE.. I never will be either..But hopefully I can find a way to make my future, my kids future better..  To say that the past few months well shoot years there has been something missing.. Maybe this is it (okay okay I am sure this is it) that since of feeling you get from a great group of church family members and just that since of release you get after a good church service and a sermon that cuts so deep to you it hurts..
I have felt as if I am a hamster on a wheel.. Not getting any where just in a stalling pattern and running my legs ragged.. Maybe now I can seem to get a since of direction..Knowing this will always be a an uphill battle but to something greater than I can even ever possibly imagine..I want that since of peace and awe and total humility.. I want my kids to look at me and say, my mom she rocked.  Going back to what the pastor said.. If it was the rapture right now I'd probably hide under by bed of fear of the unknown and just shame and embarrassment for what and how my life has been up to this point.. Sad isn't it.. Some that know me maybe shaking their fingers at me knowing I have my fair share of second changes in life, better yet most of them know I have been given a second chance on life..Sad to report that to this date other than my two kids I haven't amounted to much.. 

New year, try to keep a positive upbeat look at the daily life I have and the great things I do have already.. Instead of dreading and fearing what tomorrow brings or may hold..Just enjoying today and my family..Maybe I can start to feel some accomplishment however small with that as the first stepping stone..