When I Know, to STOP....

I am human and at times that really just aggravates the heck out of me.  Today I have battled back and forth all day worrying about things that are beyond my control. Worrying and racking my brain on how to fix them.  WHEN I KNOW, to STOP……. 

Looking back at the past five months of my life.  Leaving my job, worrying how and if we would make it financially at the same time trying to keep a smile on my face and not regret my decision.  I spent the first two months looking for a new job after I left the City.  Constantly looking, doing nothing but driving myself crazy.  Only to come up empty handed each time. The one job offer I was given I turned down, which is not like me.  But it was not what I really wanted and for once I made a decision to do what I wanted or to attempt to peruse it and not take the road that was the easiest.  Still not knowing what laid ahead for me or my family. I poured myself into the kid’s school and the church.  Turning out to the greats surprise to be some of the best decisions I have ever made. 

 Fast forward to five months later and I am genuinely happier than I have been in years.  Just by taking a chance and going to the areas of uncertainty or even areas that I feared that ended up opening so many new and wonderful doors.  I was part of the Thanksgiving Day committee at the kid’s school and that was truly amazing and kept me truly busy.  Then I helped fix the Thanksgiving meal for the church, something I would have NEVER done and enjoyed it. Total chaos and absolutely a huge task.  Joined a ladies prayer group something that is totally out of my comfort zone and I have truly grown to love each and every one of these ladies in our group as a family.  We have a truly deep bond that is unexplainable.  A true sisterhood with such a deeper sense.  I even attended a ladies evening at the church one night, not something I’d normally do and it was great. I really enjoyed it. By the end of the night I ended up sighing up for a mentoring program and two other things that I’m honestly excited about.  Yet another area of life that I’d normally do a 180 and run away from.  Being pretty much thrown into these situations by God going “Yes”.  I have subbed when asked at the kid’s school which has provided some financial help, but I’ve truly enjoyed.  Well that leads to another door. Found out the week before Thanksgiving break that I was offered a part-time position as a teacher’s aid two days a week until the end of the year then we would reevaluate in January.  The possibilities that just that month alone could open up for me there at the school is amazing.  

I cannot honestly explain how any of the things that have been taken care of these past few months have happened. Yes I know where the money has come from each time, but I could of personally walked up to each and every one of those providers and asked or outright begged for help and would have been turned away because It was me trying to fix the situation and not relying on God to do it.  To be truly honest there were weeks we would have $5 literally.  For the four of us, with an empty tank of gas, supplies such as pull-ups needed and food needed.  Worried how we would even make it happen. Then I would just remind myself I couldn’t do it, I could not make it happen. I would pray and lift it up to God and boom.  There it was.  In one form or another.  How can I deny God is amazing or even exists looking back at my own life these past few months. I can’t.  Then this past week and this week already worried how we would make it all work and make the ends meet.  STOP IT RACHEL…. Got a text message last night to sub today, AWESOME Thank you God.  That was an answered prayer an extra day of work. Then my two days this week I am scheduled to work.  YEAH three days of work.  Then being told today I am needed on Friday as well.  God is good.  It’s not even so much about the paycheck it’s about the fact that I can stay at the school those days which saves gas.  The school is outside the city limits and a drive from my house. So instead of driving out there, dropping the kids off and driving back into town in the morning and again in the afternoon’s every day, I can go out there and stay until school is out.  A small but true blessing for us.  I honestly can’t remember the last time I had a job that paid minimum wage.  Truthfully.  I never thought I’d see the day I would be happy and excited to see that amount of money per hour.  It’s like a bonus to be honest.  I truly enjoy being out there and being with the kids and being a part of that amazing place.  It is truly rewarding. Sadly one of the first jobs I’ve ever had in my 12 some odd years of working that I am truly fulfilled in and happy and it has nothing to do with the income.  

Am I financially rich, not even close. My personal bank account is got less than a $1 it in.  But to be able to truly say I’ve never been happier is just such an amazing thing.  29 years old, less than a $1 to my name, with an amazing family and friends, healthy kids that are the light of my day, a roof over our head, and the ability to actually provide my kids with a life that is centered around God and at the same time be truly fulfilled and happy.  To say I am blessed is beyond and understatement. 

With all of this I am sad to say I still am human and have let Satan in my head today and he planted the seed of doubt.  Just to say I doubt it will happen, I doubt it will work out, I doubt this will be okay.  I have said that so many times today.  The fact that I am human just stinks sometimes….. I can’t do it, I can never do it!  God will provide everything I need as I need it. It might not always be the way or the reasoning I would like but he never lets me down even when I let him down on a daily basis.  

So gratefully I believe in such a truly amazing and forgiving GOD.